Here in the rasx() context, the word respect means âlook againâ and few people Iâve encountered are willing to look at their moments of rejection again. I am very understanding for people who were rejected as a child by members of their own familyâespecially oneâs mother. I credit my mother for providing me the tensile strength to withstand rejectionâI have no idea how one can thrive without this lack of strong motherhood. Nevertheless, the rejection apparently heaped upon me for most of my life has taken its toll and Iâm told that Bryan, my given name, means âstrongâ in some Celtic tongueâbut this does not mean that my person is indestructible. Rejection is of Biblical proportions. It is one of worst emotional things you can do to a child.
My claim with this little bit of writing is that Iâm still strong enoughâand adult enoughâto look at rejection almost as an old friend. It appears in different forms and slowly reveals itself as a part of a structure that can be clearly described. Thriving with rejection, like living with failure, requires patience and researching concentration.
This is when you are rejected for fear of your rejection. You are fired before you quit. Researching this kind of rejection is easy when you know yourself. When you despise some situation you are in then you are ready to quit. You can be hurt by this kind of rejection when you take pride in your ability to conceal from others what you despise. I donât have that many faces so Iâm pretty much free from pain here.
Whatâs melancholy about this situation is when the preemptive striker assumes you are going to find their space unattractive. So they decide for you that you are going to reject themâso they reject you before you get your chance. A complicated wasteâŠ
Remember this classic: you get turned down because you are âoverqualifiedâ? Iâve been told that I âlook likeâ I have a few âgirlfriendsâ stashed away somewhere and Ms. Rejection does not want to be just another one of them. Or, worse, that I âlook likeâ Iâm married and this must be a wonderful woman because there is no way this Black man is self-made so wellâand Ms. Rejection does not want to be a home-wrecker.
I used to think that this kind of rejection was from a âsimpleâ misunderstanding. But now, with more respect, I see that this is of a more complex architecture that features how people see others as liars and charlatans. The foundations of this building can be so deep that to âproveâ them wrong is to merely reveal to them what they do not want to see: to grow up in a den of thieves means you will consistently accuse others of being a thief. I prefer to be in a relationship working in the present with a forward movementâinstead of being stuck in such an impoverished past.
Rejecting out of Habit
Some people/institutions receive so many offers per day that they get into the non-conscious habit of rejection. Think of the fate of the unsolicited manuscript. Think of the fate of the guy that is so used to rejection that they attract the habitual impulse to reject from sleep-walking people so used to rejecting others. Iâm that type of guy. Iâve been rejected for so long I often forget that Iâm quite experienced, capable and qualified. I remember the time I walked out of a car dealership with a brand new car without paying any money down on a 0% interest loan. I was shockedâbecause I forgot that Iâve been spending years and years improving myself. Had the car dealer read all of the body-language cues that certainly were reeking out of me, he would have passed on a solid customer that has (so far) never missed a payment since the year 2006.
Iâve encountered people who claim to have respect for me yet they fundamentally reject me. Like a highly-educated nutritionist with terrible personal eating habits, these people are under the influence of a religious experience. I use the word religious to describe the kind of person that is essentially corruptâand this state of corruption is what they call ârealisticââwhile my practice might be considered âidealisticâ or âperfectionist.â These ideals are attractive but are ultimately regarded as impossible to realizeâand because of this impossibility, it is âbetterâ to do nothing coherent and run auto-pilot programs inherited from childhood.
I think there are a few very effective responses to this kind of rejection:
- Think of the diabetic that has to take insulin because they know they might fall into a coma. The diabeticâs practice of âperfectâ insulin leveling is clearly a necessity that requires continual effort. To regard this work as anything other than a responsible effort for a fact-based reality, is sadly barbaric.
- It is an error to accept that ârealâ people are corrupt animals and we merely wrap ourselves in a thin veil of religious conviction to swaddle the inner animal.
Rejecting the Attractive
This is a combination of preemptive rejection and rejecting âperfectionism.â This kind rejection is typical between the closet creative that dreams of going public and is attracted to âestablishedâ artists. This kind of attraction is often fatal. What is important to understand is that this kind of rejection is a symbol of an internal struggle within the person doing all of this rejection. Itâs not really personal.
Rejecting for Lack of Capacity
Sometimes the potential partner is rejecting you because there is no room for acceptance of anyone. One can misunderstand this kind of rejectionâespecially when the potential partner is unwilling to divulge this lack of capacity. From the outside some people/institutions look like vibrant, bustling enterprises just full of opportunities. But when you get insideâŠ
Rejecting What Is Clearly Inferior
Hey sometimes Iâm just not that great. The person rejecting me can clearly find someone else thatâs better. Case closed. Iâm hurt by this but Iâll get over it. My exalted claim is that I can truly relate to this kind of rejection. Iâm not a child so I donât need people hiding the fact that I might suck at something from me. I did not go to Hooray-for-Everything Summer Camp when I was a kid.
But there is a possible gray zone here: sometimes the vacant position remains open because the person cannot find an acceptable person. This is why patience is so important. Sometimes holding out for the right fit is the right thing to do. Sometimes one can get worried about their âhigh standardsâ and maybe one might âsettleâ for lessâŠ I can relate to this kind of worryâŠ
Rejection by Conditional Acceptance
Many marriages are based on rejection by conditional acceptance. This deal simply stated is, âI accept you based on a certain set of conditions that currently donât exist otherwise I reject you.â Stereotypically, it is usually the woman trying to change the man with the optimistic phrase, âI can change him!â To flip the stereotypical gender roles, all of my relationships that produced children were based on the optimistic phrase, âI can change her!â âwhich is super crazyâŠ We need to have relationships with people in order to be healthyânot puppets.
The Impermanence of Rejection
RarelyâŠ very, very rarely I am rejected by a person/institution that will accept me later onâŠ I assume that this is rare because it is simply not the American wayâŠ There are many, many reasons why permanent rejection of a person (like me) is simply childish:
- To find me utterly and completely useless forever is just ridiculous. I would like to think that the people within my sphere of daily interaction are of certain level of qualityâŠ I would like to think that I have the personal power to eliminate people from my daily interaction that are not of this levelâŠ
- To assume that your active relationships will never end (including marriages, by the way) such that you donât need to be contact with possible replacements is literally childish.
- To assume that the person you are rejecting (me) will be so âhurtâ by the rejection that no further contact is possible for all eternity is also very, very immature.
The Impermanence of Acceptance
In a vicious, childlike world, rejection is permanent but acceptance is not. Again, too many people call this shit âthe real world.â The foundations of courage (which can be mistaken for stupidity) is to be completely unafraid of losing acceptance from the group. The ability to say, âYour group has rejected me. This means your group is a bunch of idiots,â is either idiotic itself or truly brave.
Rejection by conditional acceptance means that you were never accepted in the first place. Too many of the voices Iâve heard speaking of their lives confuse losing acceptance with not being accepted in the first place.
Relationships should be durable. The structure should be strong and have many redundant connections. The architecture of this building says, âI am willing to stay together.â When you truly lose acceptance this means you were warned at least three times that things fall apart. To be âsuddenlyâ kicked out of something means you were barely tolerated.
Rejection for Level of Attainment
Rejection should be more frequent the higher you move âupâ in whatever world of practice you are inâthis includes I might add the âdatingâ world. I am very excited to get seriously considered and seriously turned down by some of the top luminaries in whatever field Iâve been playing over the years. At a certain level, any acceptance could mean a dramatic change in lifestyleâthis includes the drama of intimate relations.
Rejection for Third-Party Influence
More than once Iâve been rejected because of third-party concerns. So you might want me but you know that your so-called friends/colleagues donât. For the sake politics, Iâm dumped. This stings but works out in the long run because youâll eventually discover my lack of respect for adults who override their personal desires for superficial politics. It is important, vitally important, to understand that even a CEO of a multi-billion-dollar organization can build relationships based on an architecture drawn from blueprints scrawled out in crayon from childhood. Donât let all of the wrinkles and trappings fool you: see through all of that.
The Educational Aspect of Rejection
To be told why you are rejected by a holistically professional person is truly a blessing. This data fuels future improvement. I consider this form of education quite rareâespecially in my adult years. I strongly suspect that people simply are afraid of making enemies so they avoid telling allâor even just a little bit.
I find this reluctance to tell me why Iâm not worthy very upsettingâitâs a lost opportunity to possibly learn something new about me.