“Nice Guys and Players” Three Years Later
It’s been about three years since my smart-ass book review of the Rom Wills book Nice Guys and Players. There has been more than enough time to ponder the issue of “relationships”—you know what the quotes mean. There is some heavy-weight, ponderous pondering with pendulous-breast pontification in a previous Blog post, “Flippant Remarks about ‘Getting the Love You Want’”. So clearly some thought is in the vicinity—and my thoughts still are no match for the Rom Wills machine. So the following list is not a threat. Rom Wills appeals to a wide audience while my thang here is heavily biased and confined to the alien world of Black men trying to get with Black women:
When you see a self-described Black woman in what sincerely is a healthy relationship with a self-described Black man, be content with equal sincerity. To fantasize—even for a moment—for ruin on their lot for your personal advantage is no different than wishing for the downfall of African restoration culture. To me, it is this sincerity that removes more imperial ego from the situation—and therefore the burden of misery is made lighter. This is also a sign that you have developed statistical understanding of the difficulties involved with forming relationships that the people in the relationship deliberately and frequently describe as “Black” or “African.” Any success in this area should be celebrated—even when you are so starved the word “celebration” sounds like “celibacy.” You are developing a sense of a world that is larger than a disconnected you and your alienated individual needs.
Develop an ideal model for a mate—not for you—but for the women you are getting to know. There is a wonderful line in the kintespace.com animated classic “0.5 the Sisters” when Saundra Quarterman says, “I just want a man to love me… and do what I say.” Even though Ms. Quarterman was only acting in that piece, you have to take a statement like that seriously when you know that your woman-to-be is being serious. So eventually you will develop a working model on her behalf… What do you see? Do you like what you see? Can you test it for accuracy? My recommendation is to not impersonate a fictional character just to satisfy sex drive. So sad women fake orgasms and sad men fake for orgasms. That’s some sad shit to be keepin’ real…
Demand respect for honesty and explicit adult language. For more details about this, read “Carolyn M. Rodgers: Poem for Some Black Women” here in the kinté space. My suggestion is to not become an accomplice with your would-be partner’s crime of denial and immaturity. Demand justice and honesty in lonely isolation rather than keeping false company with the living dead. Don’t play with people who cannot respond to your direct and personal questions. Don’t fall for that, “We’ll sit down and talk about this later,” bullshit.
Do not be the first man in your theoretical woman’s life. She should have had several functional, rewarding, communal, years-long, non-sexual relationships with men before she knew your name—printed on your driver’s license (this implies that ‘you’ and the woman not-quite-in-your-life are adults). In the wasteland that is the American family in general and the Black American family in particular, it is extremely tragic to feel grateful that your partner has this experience. This experience should be considered a human right instead of a privilege for the “blessed.” Without this experience, your dream girl will not be able to construct models of ideal manhood that resemble us non-ideal men.
Do not fall victim to your own sexism. People regardless of gender who grow up in a military, industrial, patriarchal complex will ‘naturally’ possess some the traits of the dominators and influencers of this God complex. It is a gross error to assume that a woman is genetically destined to avoid all of the patriarchal habits that make the Ugly American. In fact, experience tells me to think of a self-described “American woman” as one of the guys—not hatefully but seriously. When you plan to live with that girl next door, just assume that you are shacking up with another dude in the dormitory. Don’t expect anything special. These low expectations based in sincere gender equality will make This American Life easier.
Respect disrespect. One way to say the word “disrespect” in other words is that your prospective woman is unable to see you. It is an error of energetic youth to try to ‘force’ her to see you. You might even marry her and have children—but all the while you have been spending years trying to force her to see you. It would have been better to respect her inability to see you from the beginning instead of researching for years to find a cure for what you perceive are her hallucinations.
There is no ancient wisdom behind “opposites attract.” Only in warlike cultures are men and women called “opposites”—this is prioritized over compliments, being as one flesh. When you hear couple jokes about he’s the dumb one and she’s the brains you are hearing something very close to codependency. This is an expression of a hierarchical relationship, featuring a fight for power and domination. I was honestly shocked to discover through in-depth discussions with women that these domination-submission relationships take place even among homosexual persons.
Travel. Do not form this structure you call “woman” based on the female citizens of Los Angeles, California—even the ones who come from other countries/states to “live” here. I’m convinced that a certain type of person voluntarily comes so close to Hollywood. Since I grew up here, I can’t quite put my finger on it without using the classic L.A. insults… Not yet…