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Answering, “5 Questions Women Should Ask Men When Dating”

Don’t get it twisted: when I say that Steve Harvey is intellectually beneath me understand that I consider Son House (who is far, far older and way, way more “country” and “real” than Steve Harvey) my elder consultant. So when I take on the exercise of answering any questions related to Steve Harvey, understand that I do this with open, explicit contempt and well-placed, seasoned arrogance—without regard to how much money and fame this rube has accumulated. Steve Harvey is funny—but not that funny…

Q: What are your short-term goals?

This is just the kind of job-interview question that all competent women should be asking. My short term goals include restoring my depleted liquid cash savings (which was decimated while I was unemployed for over five months last year), building a Roth IRA next to my traditional IRA (which implies that I currently cannot afford to pay the taxes on converting the existing traditional IRA), contributing more funds to my daughter’s Fidelity 529 (which implies I have a daughter), securing conservatorship over my mother’s estate (which implies I’ve spent thousands in lawyer’s fees) and then there’s the “artsy” and “spiritual” short-term goals that a woman who listens to Steve Harvey probably does not care about.

Q: What are your long-term goals?

My long-term goals include my children—and my children’s children—having a holistic state of affairs vastly superior to mine. This implies that my children will not have any guilt-ridden obligation to contribute any financial or “spiritual” resources to my “estate”—for those of us who actually study black people in the Americas, my goal here is quite revolutionary—a 180 turn away from what is actually going on in the “real” world…

What the previous paragraph implies is that I can no longer afford to absorb another adult’s bullshit into “my world” because it’s considered (by my measurements) filled up with the loving-but-misguided ventures of my past. This means that I should make the effort to become intimate with a competent, healthy woman—this is easier said than done because most competent North American women—especially Black North American women would consider me a drag on their vehicle of progress.

By the way, I know many of you will find even more contempt for me when I write this but… a woman who is on any psychoactive drugs (like antidepressants) are not exactly “healthy” to me—and yes, I understand the expectation of a “modern,” properly-assimilated, competent woman not be on antidepressants is kind of like asking that she be a virgin. So I deserve to be kicked to the curb with my “unrealistic,” old-fashioned, barbarian expectations…

Q: What are your views on relationships?

Relationships are experiences of expanding consciousness—not artifacts of oppression and lack of self-knowledge. What makes me “weird” is that I regard relationships as safe havens away from the consciousness “mainstream” society—this means that I’m involved with a woman who has an inner life rich and powerful enough to sustain itself “outside” of the mainstream. I’m asking for a woman that has overcome a significant amount of oppression—again, I can understand that this expectation is unreasonable—especially when I expect such a metaphysically attractive woman to be attracted to me.

Q: What do you think about me?

When I am attracted to you, I think about you all of the time. When I meet a woman as attractive as you, I immediately regard you as a communal extension of my consciousness. I will immediately begin to exhibit behaviors that attempt to reinforce the bond between us. The bond between us is primarily metaphysical so this means that I’m not talking like a psychopathic rapist. What I am saying in essential terms is that when I make the effort to communicate with you, I expect that you will answer me. This is the call and response. By the way, I am mature enough to understand the following cartoon concepts:

  • You are not to be an exact copy of me. You are not a sex robot programmed with my interests.
  • When you are unable to answer me it is not because you could have answered me but “chose” not to—this is largely not the case by my careful measurements.
  • When you are in such a soul-mate-like exchange with another person, I honestly leave you to that exchange without any malice. Any doubt in my sincerity makes me even happier to leave you to “your world” of apparent completeness.In the context of female oppression, it is actually very difficult for most of the women (I have had access to) to seriously accept that someone (outside the pathetic realm of pornography) is actually interested in them as a thinker or a “spiritual” person. On the other hand, many women have flown high above me who fully accept their engaging and rich intellectual/spiritual self—but most of us have to pay a fee to attend their quasi-religious seminar or buy their work hanging in a gallery. Fly on baby girl…

Buy this DVD at Amazon.com! Q: What do you feel about me?

In terms of human development, feelings come before thinking. So what you are asking here includes the question, ‘Would you have played with me when we were children?’ A yes answer to this question should tell quite a bit how I feel about you. But this implies that you have some understanding of my childhood—especially my childhood relationship with my mother.

When I was younger, I assumed that most of the women (I have had access to) would be very pleased with the quality of the relationship between me and my mother. My mother was not my servant. My mother is held by me as a complete character with much perfection and many faults—this childhood-based need for completeness is actually found more non-comforting—even threatening—to most of the women (I have had access to). Many of my sisters are deeply concerned about “exposure”—and this begins with the hair on their head. Most women without regard to skin color play with an unverified concept of themselves that stands in for who they ‘really’ are—I’m very sure males do this too but this is not my concern (which makes me apolitical and non-obsequious). The main goal of a player is to play around with this unverified concept as well. The main goal of a pimp is to make money off of that play.

I’m not a player. This sounds very, very arrogant (and, on the surface, stupid) I know but I’ll write it down anyway: the first “thing” a woman gets when she gets with me is her self—you don’t like yourself then you will not like me. Statistically speaking—especially in the Black “community”—it is “better” to be a player—for the illusion of human contact (and some of you sisters have very, very sexy illusion—too bad for me but I need to save my money).

For a more Steve-Harvey, pop-cultural view of this situation, I recommend the 2008 documentary film Single.

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